THE BIG CHOP
On transgender representation in metal, the lack thereof, and the relationship between metal and masculinity as a trans male
NPZ #1 — NOVEMBER 2024 — PAGE 15
This is a bit more personal, but clearly I like to hear (read) myself talk (write), so here this is.
I started to hate the way my body betrayed me at around 14. I started binding my chest, and dressing exclusively masculine, the typical flannel, jeans, and band shirt uniform that a guy with a Supernatural tattoo obviously wore (iykyk). I started using they/them pronouns in high school, identifying as non-binary, though masculine presenting. But my gender dysphoria was severe.
Things kind of came to a head in college, and I got in contact with a gender specialist and got on HRT (hormone replacement therapy). Just over three years have passed since that first day, November 17, 2021, and I see now more than ever how much of my life has improved since. That was when I finally started to really feel like me.
While a lot of my life drastically improved after HRT, there’s only so much testosterone can do when you’re already 19 and going. During a gap year, I finally was able to pursue top surgery*, and successfully did it August 19, 2024.
Now just over three months post-op, this feels like another marker in my life that is such a huge milestone, I’ll have forgotten what living was like before this time. A massive weight has been lifted from my chest (literally), and truly one less thing to hold me down in my day to day life.
Uh, how does this relate to metal? Well I’m glad you asked. I mentioned pg. 3 I got into rock/metal in middle school, around the time my dysphoria started acting up, and turned to heavier music to block out the world. METALLICA, of course, and I still wear my AJFA and MOP shirts from middle school. Also lots of classic rock, AC/DC, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, the usual suspects. It was kind of a way of affirming a masculine identity through male-centric music.
As you can imagine, I was EXTREMELY uncomfortable with my appearance, especially anything that would be seen as feminine. I chopped off my hair in eighth grade, but a few months after starting T, I decided to stop cutting it.
Getting back into metal as my transition progressed was really interesting. The culture kinda has its own gender norms, where long hair for men is very commonplace. I’ll have to write more on the cultural significance of the long luscious locks of headbanger hair, but that’ll be another time.
But, this brings me to ask: where are the trans guys in metal?
I think it’s fair to say that metal is often inspired by and attractive to the frustrations of young men experiencing ostracization and insecurity; you can see how that would be relatable to queer people, especially trans guys.
There are certainly some of us out there—there’s even a subreddit r/MetalheadTransMen with almost 1k members—but the visibility is scarce. Metal is a male-dominated genre, and cisgender-dominated by overwhelming majorities. What few trans metal musicians I could find, all were transgender women. LGBTQ+ musicians are already pretty few and far between (praise the gay metal god, Rob Halford), and trans/non-binary figures even less so.
“SELF MADE” (below), 6x8in, intaglio dry point etching — The first of an art series I have planned, depicting the contrast of masculinity and vulnerability in the metal subculture. The transmasculine form, with top surgery scars and a phalloplasty thigh graft, decorated with heavy tattoos, and displayed in the post-shower nude.
Photos: *I made a whole comic about the process of finally pursuing top surgery, called “DEEP CUTS”, which you can find posted on @notamutemain.
