ON MACHISMO by CHANEQUE
A guest highlight of my Metallihead friend, Chaneque, on immigrating, transitioning, machismo, and manhood.
NPZ #3 — JANUARY 2025 — PAGE 12
Art and writing by Chaneque (he/him), IG: @ch4n3qu3_
Growing up in a machismo household meant that I was constantly bombarded with messages of what it meant to be a “real man” for a trans guy like me, they were downright offensive and invalidating. The whole impact this had on me growing up was rather confusing because it all just felt like I was going in a straight line just like everyone else like a bunch of sheep. Being excluded for being different was something I would struggle with as a kid. I would see the girls talking about their girly things and the boys would usually be playing spots I always felt so conflicted on what to choose. Hang out with the boys and be seen as the weird kid? or hang out with the girls but still feel like the weird kid? I always felt like an outside but this came to a stop for a bit. When I moved to the US at the age of 9 I thought that this new place was going to be better but I was VERY wrong. In my own experience, I always tried my best to fit in I would force myself to like the common things people liked, hoping to avoid judgement. Despite these efforts, I still faced negativity and exclusion from my classmates, making school a deeply unpleasant experience for 9 year old me. I was the new kid who spoke no english, I was an easy target. I remember waking up and immediately crying begging my mother to not take me to school and to take me back home where I belonged even though I still felt excluded back home. For the rest of my elementary school years I was bullied, it was HELL.
Shifting back to the whole emotion of basically growing up and having the constant struggled of knowing im stuck in this body it makes me think of body horror and this is a big reason why I enjoy body horror, because I just relate to it in some kind of way! This body doesn’t feel like mine, it feels like a foreign object that I have no control over. Body horror serves as a form of therapy for me, allowing me to explore and express those feelings of dysmorphia and disconnection. its an outlet to a struggle me and many others experience everyday.
To add an odd connection I relate to the movie ‘Tusk’ yes the most weird connection ever, but when you look past the uncanny scenes and you stop to think for a moment, the whole idea of losing control over your own body and identity is terrifying. Being turned into something you never wanted to be, its so relatable in a way I mean given my struggles and what I’ve always faced in the past “If you want to be a man, then act like a real man!” its like this [manifestation] of my own fears and frustrations, what if I follow these toxic footsteps? What if I become something I never wanted to be, would I lose my humanity in the process? As I got older, I realized that this version of manhood that had been drilled into my mind at an early age didn’t reflect who I truly really am. This “traditional” mold I had been given to just be seen as a “real” man by my own family never felt right. I trusted my gut and I learned that being true to myself is the most authentic form of manhood.
FACING: @sealzillaa [pg. 11]; BELOW: @ch4n3qu3_ (more pg. 16)
